No-Makeup? Come on!!!!!

There's a myth out there that women look good without make-up. We've all read it in the magazines how this or that celebrity shows up for the interview with tousled hair, an easy-come-easy-go outfit that looks effortless and NO MAKE-UP. BULLSHIT! OK, whatever. Maybe some gals can pull that off but as one of my sisters says, "We all need our spackling compound." I just am tired of the lies...the LIES!!!!

This one comic I used to work with at the Comedy Store put it very well. "When they need to have Susan Sarandon do a death scene they just show her with no make-up." I rest my case. No offense, Susan. We all need some help with what Mother Nature gave us. There isn't an actress who would be caught dead at the Oscars without make-up.

Maybe if you're a granola-eating, purified water guzzling yoga instructor in your 20's you can pull off the rosy-cheeked, Noxema, I don't need any make-up dealio. Not moi. No way Jose. Never again. I actually scare people when I see them at the gym and I'm wearing my glasses and no make-up (or just the minimal spackling compound. I'm not a FOOL!:) They're like, "Wow Britt. Are you ok?" They actually say, "Oh hi! Oh! Britt?! Wow! Is that YOU?! I guess it IS the real you, huh? Ya know, I have this Clinique gift certificate I'm dying to unload and sistah, you'd be the best candidate for a major overhaul." I'm kidding. I go too far in my blog but it's so FUN!

It's just that my mom is totally right when she says "Age isn't kind." I mean you can get whatever you want lifted or pumped into your brow or body or peeled or acid washed and I'm sorry, you still look your age or definitely in the ball park. I'm on the beauty thing because I was just getting my haircut and was looking at myself in the mirror for the last 45 minutes. Whatever. At least I don't live in LA anymore where they roast older women on a spit. Again, I'm over dramatizing. (No!! Really?)

Before I got my haircut I was reading US magazine and I rest my case on the plastic surgery or Botox thing. Hey, I'm all for whatever makes you feel good but Nicole Kidman looks like a woman in her 40's...a woman in her 40's who looks surprised...ALL the time. Tom Cruise looks like a regular Joe approaching middle age. It's too damn bad but he just does. Those "Risky Business" days are over! Bummer! Joan Rivers looks like a cryogenically frozen teenage face on a late 70's body!! To quote Alice from "The Brady Bunch", "Can somebody tell me what's NOT going on around here?!"

OK. I've calmed down. It's just that a person can lose perspective in this world. We want to believe in the fountain of youth or at the very least that eye creams really work. Here's to embracing your age and being honest about how it's part of life's rich pageant to get older. Like sands in the hourglass...Wait! How about this? I'm sure no one has ever said this: It's ok to BE your age but definitely the most fun when you don't ACT your age. On that note, I'm going to go watch an episode of "Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space"! See ya!

Riunite's so nice

I was walking into Liquormart on Sunday and there was this couple walking ahead of me who were trying to be so relaxed and weekend. (New adjective!) They were walking really slowly with their arms around each other. She was kind of leaning into him and I don't know why but I thought to myself,"Ick." Sorry, but it seemed like an act and I wasn't buyin' it. No, folks they didn't look like the photo for this blog. Sorry. She looked like an uptight, hard-charging librarian. (Is that an oxymoron?) They both looked like NPR-listening, what-white-people-like sort, the frankly uptight in real life kind who were just trying to put on a show of being so relaxed like, hey, they had all the time in the world. It's like they had just made love or something (TMI!!!) and were now going to be the poster children of how to just chill and hey(!) enjoy the weekend, ya hear?

I don't know why I got so annoyed. Maybe it was that they were so self-aware. Seeing their self-involved and self-conscious act made me want to throw up. The woman asked the guy as soon as they got in the store, "Oh what was that wine I enjoyed so much last night?" I should have butted in and asked, "Riunite on ice?" Am I the only one who remembers the Riunite commercials in the 70's? They'd drink it while eating hot dogs on a hillside? That's the kind of wine I'm talkin' about or Mogen David where the wine glass would slide away from the bottle of "snobby DRY wine" letting it spill all over the table. Oh yes. Bring on the sweet sweet wine!!!

When I did stand-up in days of yore I told the story about when I was single and was invited to a weekend party at a country house. It was 3 couples and me. When everyone turned in for the night I wanted to say, "Well I'll be down the hall if anyone's feeling kinky." Humor is getting to say what you would never do.

I know what it was about the woman that bugged me. She reminded me of this intellectual yoga instructor (oxymoron AGAIN!) who has this cult following in Boulder. I went to one of her classes and was totally bugged by her self-involved way of saying, "Now allow the feeling of the soaz muscle." ALLOW?! Isn't that kind of contrived or controlling or just plain weird? Am I wrong? Who cares?! It's MY blog!

To my credit I am bugged sometimes more than others. People can drive me crazy especially when they seem contrived and too self-aware. Maybe what I'm realizing is the nightmare gig from hell is just being ME!!!! Wow. I'm just gonna have to leave it at that for today! Have a good one!

Spoiled kids!

There was a terrific article about Chinese parenting and how they bring up their kids in the Wall Street Journal. They don't give their kids as much say or power. If they're taking violin lessons they practice. The kid doesn't have as much choice whether they want to quit because it isn't fun. The point of the article is that it takes time to get good at something. Only when you get good at something does it become fun. It takes practice and a six year old doesn't understand this. The Chinese parent keeps them on track and then low and behold the kid accomplishes excellence at something which is the greatest gift in the world. The kid actually develops real self-esteem.

That article on Chinese parenting really struck a chord with me. I think we don't do kids any favors by indulging them. There is a terrible tv commercial on right now which shows this kid in the back seat of an SUV talking to a kid in the back seat of another SUV. Basically it's saying the one kid is miserable because he has to listen to his parents singing on this car trip. The other kid says, "You need to get a blankety blank kind of SUV because then you could watch a video with headphones and tune out your embarassing and annoying parents." Well not in those EXACT words but you get my point.

Since when do we give kids so much air time and let them weigh in on what will amuse them? I think it's actually really important to have a bad time as a kid when you don't call the shots. You need to listen to your singing and yes, sing along with your parents!

You also need to tag along to visit your cousin who makes Norwegian ombars in the woods of Minnesota with nary a pretty thing to be found as a little girl. I'm not talking about myself. Don't get me wrong. I love visiting my cousin's place. He has a model T Ford which he put together himself, these cool antique computers, etc. What I'm remembering is the time going with my mom, my sister and her 3 girls to visit my cousin. My sister proceeded to sit in my cousin's living room and talk Norwegian geneology the entire afternoon while we sat there bored out of our skulls. After that we toured the sheds which had all these old cars and machinery. Perfect for 3 little girls who love pink and princess crowns and Barbies. Anyway, then we walked down to the lake but had to carefully stay on the path to avoid the poison ivy which was everywhere! My point is that it's really important that a kid experience afternoons like this. It wasn't all set up for their amusement. And besides if you don't have the bad times, how will you know about the good times?

When I was a kid we went to visit my great aunt Mulla who was a terrifying unsmiling lady. Basically I was told not to touch anything and not get my fingers near this one fan. I think it was one of those early models where you could slice your fingers right off because there wasn't much of a, how shall we say, shield. No one was wondering, "How will we amuse this child? I hope she's having fun! Oh dear! What will we do if she gets bored?!" Anyway because of that experience I actually know now when I'm having a good time. It's all relative, right?

When I was little just having my piano lesson canceled would change my whole life! I would look at other kids in the class who didn't have to take piano lessons and just envy how they had free time after school. They never had a lesson looming. They never had to practice! Ecstasy at that age was watching "Clambake" or "Hello Down There" when they came on tv. This was of course before VCRs (Yes. A VCR. What is a VCR? Well Johnny, it's a video cassette recorder. What is a cassette? It's a large tape that likes to get stuck and then eaten by the VCR.) I really sound like an old lady now. The point of that paragraph is that I'm glad I learned how to play the piano and had to stick with it. I would have quit but then I wouldn't know how to play. Dig?

Gigs are important learning experiences too. It's really important to have the bad ones so you know what the good ones are. Mont Alto Motion Picture Orchestra is always fun. Yes we played for 5 people once in a town where they had to tape garbage bags up in the windows so the audience could see the screen. This was in Junction City, KS home of strip clubs, an army base and a Denny's. We STILL had a good time. I was exhausted by this stage of the tour and slept on the piano case until moments before we were supposed to play. I STILL had a good time. Maybe it's developing some chops for finding the good time in the midst of what could be a shitty time. Kids who don't have to tolerate anything don't develop a sense of humor, an ability to amuse themselves in the midst of boredom, or the ability to sing harmony to songs that yes indeedy are not cool.

Stravinsky said, "The limitations make you free." Too much freedom for a child or an adult is misery. Too much of anything is misery. Money, fame, chocolate...wait. I take that back. There are exceptions to any rule.